After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day - when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter." said the man, "Observe! And he began striking the bells wit his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

{WAIT! WAIT! I'm not through yet}

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop,

{wait for it....} "But he's a dead ringer for his brother."

---J.J., USA

What's red and green and goes 200 miles an hour?
Answer: A frog in a blender.

---From Vickie J.

This guy was driving down the freeway in LA and he noticed that traffic was heavier than usual. Suddenly everyone came to a stand still after sitting there for about 30 minutes a cop walked up to the guys door and the driver asked what was going on. the cop replied "OJ just found out he has to pay 8 million dollars and he is laying in the middle of the freeway threatening to pour gasoline on himself and set himself on fire cause he does not have that kind of money" The cop continued "We are going from car to car taking up a collection" The driver replied "Well that is so nice of you! how much have you collected so far?" the Cop replied "Oh about 10 gallons"

one night this burglar breaks into this house. as he is snooping around he hears "Jesus is Watching you!" he turns around and shines his flash light but sees nothing. he continues to rummage around and fill his bag until he hears "Jesus is Watching you!" the man is getting really nervous and shines his light up and sees a parrot in a cage. he looks at the parrot and says "Did you just say jesus was watching me?" "Yes I did" replied the bird. "well that is real smart of you" remarked the burglar "whats your name? the bird replied "my name is moses" the burglar look at him and says "what kind of idiot named you moses" the bird looked at him and said "The same idiot that named the Rottweiler Jesus"

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs? A: Ground beef.

---from Christina R, deep in the heart of Texas

You Know You're A Child of the 80's when....

- You know what a "burnout" is.
- You know what "Sike" means.
- You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off".
- You know that another name for a keyboard is a"Synthesizer".
- You wanted to be a Goonie.
- You know who Max Headroom is.
- You ever wore flourescent, neon if you will, clothing.
- You could breakdance, or wish you could.
- You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.
- Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.
- You wanted to be on StarSearch.
- You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off.
- You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout". - You HAD to have your MTV
- You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the Future".
- You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool.
- You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie.
- You heard of Garbage Pail Kids.
- You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called "Prince".
- You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.
- You own any cassettes.
- You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon.
- You remember And/or own any of the CareBear Glass collection from Pizza Hut. - Or any other stupid collection they came out with.
- Poltergeist freaked you out.
- You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.
- You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
- You know what a Doozer is.
- You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish, or knew someone who did.
- You ever had a Swatch Watch.
- You can name 1/2 the members of Duran Duran
- You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
- You had WonderWoman or Superman underoos.
- You know what a "Whammee" is.
- You had a crush on Jon Bon Jovi, or knew someone who did.
If you can identify with at least half of this list then you are most certainly a Child of the 80's!!!!

It's funny 'cause its true...

Knick Knock
Who's there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
didn't know you could yodel.
What do you call a cow that dowsn't give milk? a milk dud.

What did Snow White say when she was waiting for her photos? Some day my prints will come.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up

Sandy D, USA

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, truck drivers, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I`d like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd`s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The man replied "I work for the IRS."

---From Marcie, USA

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The interrupting cow.
The interrupting . . . MOO!
The interrupting . . . MOO!
Stop . . . MOO! . . .it!
Quit . . . MOO! . . . MOO!

---from Debora, USA

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

-------------

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

--------------

Q: Why did the jungle cats stop playing games? A: Because there were too many cheetahs.

--- From Jen, California USA

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then as these numbers began to light in reverse order. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Quick! Go get your Mother."

---------------

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the Service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"

-------------------

Ticket, Please At the station three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket? asks a lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," answers the engineer.

They all board the train together. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train departs the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says "Tickets please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

After the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (recognizing the engineers superior intellect). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket" asks one perplexed lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," says an engineer.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another restroom nearby where the lawyers are hiding.

Soon after the train bulls out, one engineer leaves the restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."

---from Annie, USA

This frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.

So he says,"Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this,"and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

(Are you ready ???)

So the bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

---from Rita, Ohio USA

This is a truly Canadian joke.

A man was standing in a crowd of people holding up a sign that read, "REPENT! The world will be coming to an end at 9 o'clock - 9:30 in Newfoundland!"

---from Penny, Winnipeg MB.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shuts them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens. "How did you Know?" his mom asked. "Daddy picked them up an looked underneath," he replies, " I think it's printed on the bottom."

On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, " I f anyone has to go the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, " How will that help? "

---From Mariann, USA

Knock, Knock
Who's There?
Anna.
Anna, Who?
Another Esther Bunny

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Stella.
Stella, Who?
Stella Another Esther Bunny.

Knock, Knock.
Who's There?
Gongo.
Gongo Who?
Gongo, Boom-Boom. No more Esther Bunnies!

---From Carol, Canada

Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?
A: Patio Furniture (Patty O'Furniture)

---From Peg, USA

What would you have if you painted all the cars across the country pink?
A pink car-nation!

What do you get if you cross a goat with an owl?
A hootnanny!

What do you get if you cross a rhinoceros with an elephant?
Eleph-i-no
hint: say the "i" as in "eye":D

--From Laurie, WA state

A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold". At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute -how come you called God 'Harold'"? The little boy looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy Name."
--from D.B., somewhere in the USA (?)

You know what a man does standing, a woman does sitting and a dog does on 3 legs?
Shakes hands.

If a person is walking twords an outhouse, a person is inside, and one is leaving what nationalities are they?
Russian, European, and Finish

--Anita, USA

: Why did God make only one Yogi Bear?
A: Because when he tried to make a second one he made a boo-boo.

Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it!

Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: Tame way, unique up on it!

--from Lorelei, USA

Joke 1
Two Camels

*** Editorial by Kim (Ok, this joke needs a set up. It is actually a practical joke. You and your buddy tell it, and act like it is the funniest thing in the universe if you don't count that bologna that has the bits of noodles and cheese in it. What makes it funny is that others will attempt to "get it", and of course since it is a "shaggy dog" story it just won't appear to be funny to them. )

There were 2 camels walking in the desert.
And they passed each other.
********

(insane laughter)

oh yeah, they were brothers.

(more guffaws and general hilarity)

(You get more points if you can be rolling around on the ground laughing while other people are giving you the "there is spinach in your teeth" look or see them laughing trying to look like they got the joke. Not recommended to do in front of a border guard.)
**********

Joke 2 Frogs
There were these two male frogs sitting out in the middle of a pond on lily pads. Suddenly one of the frogs jumps up and says "RADIO!"
*****************
Joke 3
Kings Armies
Q. Where did the first king of England keep his armies?
A. In his sleevies.

From Terri, USA

What do you call a fish with no eye
answer: fsh

From Janet and daughter, U.K.

A hobo knocked on the door of a farm house and asked the farmer for some food. The farmer said I never gave anything away for free. If you go out back you will see a gallon of paint and a new paint brush. If you paint my back poarch I see the cook gives you a meal. The hobo goes out back and returns later. he told the farmer he was done so the farmer tells the cook to get him some food. The hobo said I should tell you one thing. You do not have a porche you have a bmw.

---from S. D., USA

these all came from Church bulletins with typo's. I have been ROTFLOL since I received them. There were 25 in all. Here are 3 of the 25:

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk please come early.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.

---from R. L., Tennessee USA

The guy who told me this couldn't understand why I didn't laugh ...

Q: What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

A: The taste.

--From CS Chicago, IL

The Game"

A businessman was talking with his barber, when they both noticed a goofy-looking fellow bouncing down the sidewalk. The barber whispered, "That's Tommy, one of the stupidest kids you'll ever meet. Here, I'll show you." "Hey Tommy! Come here!" yelled the barber. Tommy came bouncing over "Hi Mr. Williams!" The barber pulled out a rusty dime and a shiny quarter and told Tommy he could keep the one of his choice. Tommy looked long and hard at the dime and quarter and then quickly snapped the dime from the barber's hand. The barber looked at the businessman and said, "See, I told you." After his haircut, the businessman caught up with Tommy and asked him why he chose the dime. Tommy looked at him in the eye and said, "If I take the quarter, the game is over."

How Country Folk "Talk Technology"

1. LOG ON: Makin' a wood stove hotter.
2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
3. MONITOR: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck.
5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin' the farwood.
6. FLOPPY DISK: Whatcha git from tryin' to carry too much farwood.
7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time.
9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside.
11. SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's black fly season.
12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
15. MODEM: Whutcha did to the hay fields.
16. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
17. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
18. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifes.
19. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
20. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.

FEELS LIKE HEAVEN

This 85 year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they oohed and aahed, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied. "This is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course in the backyard. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "what are the greens fees?" Peter's reply, "This is Heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet?" This is heaven, it's FREE!" Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part... you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

---from S., USA

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He was also quite a spiritual person. Even then he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath. And that's how he became known as a super calloused fragile mystic, plagued with halitosis!!!

---D.M., Cincinnati, Ohio, USA

whats black and white black and white and blue?
answer: nun falling down the stairs

what's red white and grey ?
answer: can of campbells cream of elephant soup

what's black and white black and white and green?
answer: 2 nuns fighting over a dill pickle

--from Cathy, California USA

All contents Copyright (c) 1998 Kim Bulback